


what a waste to say the heart could feel apart

by amaltheaz



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: After Kara gets fired from CatCo, F/F, It's gonna be a little sad sometimes because Kara is a little sad, Kara-centric, Pansexual Kara Danvers, affectionately called the alien activist au or a2au, set in season 2, what if she becomes a bartender, what if she doesn't go back to catco
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 06:00:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20110279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amaltheaz/pseuds/amaltheaz
Summary: "Despite how it happened, she feels better about coming out to Varia. It seems a similar feeling to the time she saved that plane, a complete body and soul relief that she was able to be who she truly wants to be. Kara can't help but think though, that coming out as Supergirl only resulted in her having to hide even more of herself, just so nobody suspected that she and Supergirl are one and the same."Orthat alien activist au that nobody asked for but I wanted to write it anyway





	what a waste to say the heart could feel apart

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all,
> 
> I know, I know. Az, what are you doing starting a whole new story when you've already got so many others going??? I've had this little story in the works for awhile now which as you can tell since it's set in season 2, lmao. 
> 
> This is a departure from what I usually write because it is going to be less focused on romance and more on, well, Kara. 
> 
> For the longest time I've wanted her to explore more/be more involved with the alien community, and not just to fight/rescue them or going to the bar to hang out with her lovely but still mostly very human friends and family. This is also me indulgently surrounding her with other aliens. I had thought maybe season 4 would go in that direction but there was just too much going on, oh well. So here is my take on that if they had the luxury of time to expand on this particular thread. 
> 
> Also yes, Kara and Mon-El are a thing but he's gonna be written in the way that I had hoped he was going to be but was not. And anyway, supercorp is endgame (it's me, come on), so please enjoy the journey of Kara's self-discovery until we get there. 
> 
> Hope y'all will like it. 
> 
> Much love,  
Az ❤️❤️❤️

It’s nearly 2 in the morning when Kara is finally free to leave the scene.

A fire had broken out in an apartment building just as she and Mon-El were about to sit down and eat the dinner he brought home for her. But now she’s finally free to go back where the comforts of home are waiting for her and then she’ll—what? It's not like she has a job to get up in the morning for anymore. 

She texts him that she won't be home for a little while and not to wait for her. She can fly around just a little bit longer. 

The jovial and carefree sounds of the late-night crowd brings a faint smile to Kara’s face. It makes her happy to hear the people of her city living their lives, knowing that they feel safe enough to do so. 

Somehow she finds herself landing in the alley leading to the alien bar, finds herself walking inside after changing back into her civvies. And it feels weird being here on her own, without Alex or Mon-El or Winn or even Maggie. She’s only been here a handful of times that it leaves her a little unsure as to whether it’s normal for the bar to be as crowded as it is at this time of the night. Just as she’s about to turn back around and head home, a familiar voice stops her. 

“Hey Kara, on your own tonight?”

She grins at seeing M’gann’s welcoming face, walking over to take a seat on a bar stool. She shrugs as she watches M’gann methodically wiping clean glasses before arranging them in their place. “It looks that way. I’m not really ready to head on home just yet but I didn't really know where else to go,” she quietly replies. Taking a glance around, it seems to be a calm and easy night for the bar despite the crowd. She waves when she sees Brian, another friendly face, by the pool table. 

“Something to drink then?” M’gann suggests with an amused smile. 

She’s about to ask for a club soda before changing her mind. “Can I have some of that rum Mon-El made me drink last time we were here?”

M’gann pauses mid-wipe to look at Kara, almost scrutinizing in such a way that has Kara squirming a little bit in her seat. The slight disbelief on her face shows that she obviously didn't expect Kara to actually ask for something remotely alcoholic. “Are you sure?” she asks slowly. 

She gives her a sad, tired smile, something she doesn't usually do with just anyone. But there’s a part of her that tells her that she can trust M’gann, that she can let her see what’s under that Sunny Danvers smile. “I lost my job today so I kinda just want to wallow a little bit. Just one drink,” she tells her, holding up a hand to solemnize her promise. “If I have more than one, you can even call a Lyft for me if you want, so I won't go drunk-flying or anything,” she weakly jokes.

With no way to read her mind, M’gann can only really trust Kara’s word. She intends to keep it since she doesn't really want M’gann possibly calling Alex instead, or worse, J’onn. Alex is most likely with Maggie right now anyway, still resting after being nearly hurtled into god knows where in space yesterday. And even though they've made up after what happened with Jeremiah, she still feels a little sensitive from their argument. It had been so long since Alex had spoken to her in that way, that Kara was not prepared for it. 

Lost in her thoughts, she misses M’gann pouring her a drink until it’s placed right in front of her. She glances up to meet sympathetic brown eyes as M’gann leans to rest her forearms on the bar-top. “I'm sorry you lost your job. Was it because of your article?”

Kara nods. “I breached my contract by posting it on my blog,” she mutters before taking a sip of her drink, confused at the sweet taste. She holds up the glass towards her. “This isn’t the drink that Mon-El gave me. Don’t get me wrong though, this tastes way better.”

M’gann chuckles, shaking her head. “It isn’t but I figured you’re the type to like the sweeter stuff, and it still has the same kind of kick as that other drink if that’s what you were looking to get.”

“Thank you. I do like it much better,” she tells her before taking another sip, humming this time at the sweetness and feeling that familiar rush of heat going down the back of her throat before it settles right in her chest. 

“Do you wish you hadn't posted that article?” M’gann asks her, a thoughtful frown on her face.

She immediately shakes her head. “I wish I didn't have to resort to doing it and I wish I hadn't gotten fired for it but—yeah, I still would have done it anyway. People deserved to know so they could hide and be safe. It was the right thing to do.”

M’gann smiles and nods then, visibly happy with Kara’s answer. She thinks maybe that there is a tinge of relief in the way M’gann’s shoulders drop slightly. “Well, I know that the aliens of National City are grateful that they get to live another day and to know that there's somebody in the media that’s actually looking out for them.” 

“I only did what anybody else would have done,” she murmurs, a blush spreading across her cheeks as she tries to shrug off the mild praise. There was so much more that she could have done, more that could have possibly prevented so many from being kidnapped. 

Her remark earns her a skeptical look in reply before M’gann thankfully changes the subject. “So what are you going to do?”

She shrugs, laughing quietly. “Heck if I know! All I know right now is that I'm going to enjoy this drink and then whatever happens from there, happens.”

Silence follows her statement as Kara leans over her drink, staring deep into it as if it holds all the answers in the world. She thinks that M’gann might have taken it as the end of the conversation when she speaks up, “Do you maybe want some food to go with that drink?”

Never one to turn down food, Kara eagerly nods. “Sure.”

“Anything specific?”

“Surprise me.”

She watches M’gann nod before turning to make her way to the kitchen in the back. Kara turns in her seat to face the room. There aren't as many patrons left, most having likely gone home already. Brian's still at the pool table, though she suspects that Brian is always here regardless of the day and time. Kara grabs her drink and makes her way over. 

She might as well see if she can get in a game or two while she waits for her food. 

\---

There are points throughout the game when Kara thinks even more about how odd it is to be here without anybody from her own group of friends. 

Being on her own, she can't help but think about how much space they must take up when their group usually commandeers the pool table and the adjoining booths to themselves. Even odder to think though, that it's not actually so bad to be here alone, to hang out with Brian and his friend, Varia. It's not the first time she's met Varia but she has a feeling she doesn't like her very much. Not that she's outwardly rude to her or anything but there's still a tension that seems to come off her in waves that Kara doesn't quite know how to ignore. 

Moments like these remind her of Siobhan who definitely did not like her and the countless others that _ really _ do not like Supergirl. So rationally, she should be used to it, right? She tries to shoot the friendliest smile she can muster, only to deflate when Varia barely reacts to it. She thinks of Alex telling her that she really shouldn't need everybody she comes across to like her but it's a difficult habit to break. It seems like such a human thing, this inexplicable need to fit in and isn't that what the Danvers kept trying telling her to do, for her own safety? 

_ “Blend in, Kara. It's the only way.” _

Kara looks around the room, chewing on her bottom lip as she adjusts her glasses. She contemplates calling Mon-El to come and join her so that she wouldn't be alone but then swiftly admonishes herself for the thought of even needing a buffer. She’s Supergirl, she is Kara Zor-El. She spent twenty-four long years on her own in a pod in a vast of empty darkness, she can handle being on her own for at least another hour. 

So she contemplates Brian's friend, Varia, instead. 

She wonders where Varia is from, how long she’s been on Earth or if she’s been here her whole life. Questions she finds herself asking every time she comes to the bar, seeing all the many different species congregating in one space. What do they do to get by? How do they live from day to day? How hard do they work to blend in? What do they do to blend in further? With every visit she makes to the bar, her curiosity has been firing on all cylinders but it's not like she can just go up to any one of them and ask anything of them outright. At least, she doesn't think she can. 

She has never met many aliens outside of either having to fight them or work with them. She had spent so much of her young and adult life without encountering another alien, at least not knowingly. And then to be surrounded by so many at once almost feels a shock like how she imagines jumping into the cold ocean would feel for a human. 

Being in a social setting like this with other aliens is so completely foreign to her and just like with human interaction, Kara is at a loss on how to approach this. One thing for sure though, is that she’s never going to find out anything if she doesn't try. 

So as they wait for Brian to come back from buying more drinks, Kara slowly sidles up next to Varia, trying to act cool, nonchalant even, and though she knows very well that she doesn't know how to be either of those things, that doesn't mean that she can't make an attempt of it. Kara clears her throat, coughing delicately into her fist before plastering on a smile and hoping to Rao that it comes off as a friendly one. “So Varia, what um—what do you do?”

Varia lets out this sigh, it's heavy and the kind of sigh where it's clear as day that she’s annoyed and that she’s way past done with whatever conversation Kara is trying to instigate. But she doesn't move or walk away. She squeezes her grip around her cue stick before turning to face Kara. “You know, there is a line of human bars stretching along the block outside, right?”

Even though Kara has been aware of Varia’s non-friendly feelings towards her, knew to expect to hear perhaps something offensive or even threatening; but still, Varia’s reply takes her off-guard. “Oh, I—I know that? Can't miss seeing them!” she laughs awkwardly, hoping to mask her confusion. 

“Then I don't get why you're here.”

Kara frowns. “I have every right to be here just like everybody else here.”

For some reason, this seems to make Varia even angrier. She scowls and when her eyes glow green, it makes for such a striking effect that Kara has to take a step back, automatically falling into a defensive position. “But you're _ not _ like everybody else here. You—”

The heavy thud of a tray laden with filled glasses interrupts whatever she’s about to say next and they both turn to Brian standing by the counter next to the pool table. “Everything okay here?” he asks, asking in a way that's clearly telling them he knows what's going on but that it had better stop right there. 

Varia easily picks up the hint and holds up her hands, an innocent smile on her face, the green glow of her eyes already gone. “Yeah! Yep, all good here, Bri,” she answers, so obviously fake but Brian doesn't say anything before he catches Kara’s eyes, wanting to hear from her too.

She shoots him a tremulous grin and a quick thumbs up, not trusting her voice to say anything. She is burning with wanting to know what Varia was going to say but accepts that whatever that confrontation will be about, is postponed for the time being. 

He looks at them with a skeptical gaze before shaking his head. He shrugs. 

“Lets finish this game then.”

\---

Her older sister has always been the better pool player between the two of them but Kara isn't so bad, managing to win the game against Brian and Varia, who thankfully hasn't said anything more.

Just as she's about to start gloating over her win, that's when M’gann reappears from the kitchen, arms laden with a tray carrying three giant plates of food. “Grubs up, Kara.”

She’s not tipsy or anywhere near buzzed but there’s still a warmth in her belly that has Kara moving slower than normal, a little sluggish as she makes her way to the booth that M’gann has designated as where she’ll be eating. There's a strong scent that tickles at something in Kara’s brain, that there's something familiar about the dish. 

“Thanks M’gann,” she says to her before taking the first bite and she nearly chokes, gasping at the burst of flavors she thought she had long forgotten. 

Kara very quickly sobers.

She can barely contain the memories invoked of shared meals with her parents, of watching her father cooking them as he joked about how hopeless her mother was at the task, of her father trying to show her how to prepare some dishes just so she wouldn't be as hopeless. She looks up to a blurry image of M’gann as she swallows it down. Something thick and heavy feels stuck in her chest but she knows that it isn't the food. 

“Is that—this is—”

A soft look of understanding crosses M’gann’s face. “It’s not exactly the same as the real dish—”

She shakes her head. “No, but it’s—it's close enough. Closer than anything I've ever had since I've been here,” she whispers, her voice cracking towards the end. “Where did you even—how?”

“Trade secret.” M’gann shrugs, giving her an apologetic smile. 

Kara shakes her head, waving off the apology. “No, no, it’s—it’s okay.” She takes a deep breath as she stares at M’gann. “Thank you,” she gushes, hoping that M’gann can hear every drip of gratitude in her voice. 

M’gann doesn't say anything back but the smile on her face and the warm hand on her shoulder before she walks away, tells Kara everything before she eventually digs back into her food. 

\---

She’s nearly done by the time M’gann takes the seat across from her. 

Kara assumes from the beer bottle in her hand that M’gann is clocking off. Makes sense when there are only two other patrons left in the bar plus the other bartender finishing out their shift. M’gann tips the bottle towards her before taking a long sip out of it. The sigh she lets out after is long, tired and relieved. Kara can't imagine how hard M’gann must work to keep this bar going, doing her best to satisfy clientele from literally anywhere in the galaxies. It also can't be easy being a telepath, being able to hear nearly everyone's thoughts. Maybe that's why she’s sitting with Kara right now. 

J’onn does that sometimes too, when he can't find an empty room to escape to or he can't go back to his office, he seeks out her company for the simplicity of silence. He explained it to her once before, how no matter how used he is to being able to separate his and everybody else's thoughts, sometimes people just can't help but be so _ loud_. Kara remembers the pained look on his face, the way it scrunched up in agony. With her, he doesn't have to try to separate anything at all. It's just him in his head and the peaceful smile that he gets on his face as he sits or stands beside her tells Kara just how much it means to him and she’s so happy that she can give that to him. She can certainly empathize with that yearning for silence, for stillness. 

It surprises her then that M’gann is the one that breaks the silence between them just as she’s stacking her empty plates together. “So, are you going to try looking for a new job?”

Kara laughs at the question. “Urgh, thanks for reminding me that I’m unemployed,” she groans, softening it with a smile as she shrugs. “Maybe I can focus more on Supergirl duties? Branch out of National City maybe?” 

Her ambivalence earns her an admonishing frown. “You can't be Supergirl 24/7, Kara. You need time for yourself too.”

She shrugs another time, blowing out a huff. M’gann is probably right. It probably wouldn't be the healthiest thing to be Supergirl all the time. She needs to be _Kara_ too. “There are some new baking recipes I've been wanting to try?”

M’gann purses her lips before taking a swig of her drink. Kara makes a mental note to ask J’onn if human alcohol affects Martians because out of all the available drinks in the bar, M’gann chose what Kara recognizes to be a local brew, something she learned from Alex. M’gann tilts her head, studying her at her with a steady stare. “Ever thought about bartending?” she finally asks. 

Laughter bubbles up in her chest. “Me?” she asks in disbelief, pointing back to herself as if there's somebody else at their table. Kara shakes her head when she realizes M’gann isn't joking. “Oh, I don't know if I'd be any good at that. I mean, I used to work at Noonan’s so I guess I know how to be a waitress but bartender?” 

M’gann chuckles at that. “It doesn't pay a lot but it’s still something, and you don't have to worry about making excuses when you have to leave.”

She isn't wrong. It would definitely be much easier if she doesn't have to constantly keep trying to come up with a reason or two about why she’s late or why she’s suddenly disappeared. Especially since she is so horrible at doing so in the first place. 

But before Kara lets herself get too used to the idea, she remembers Mon-El, who also works there. “Didn't you just hire my boyfriend to work here?”

M’gann lets out an annoyed grunt. “He’s good when he’s _actually_ here but his work ethic is something left to be desired. Are you guys sure he was part of the Royal Guard?”

She sighs, an apologetic smile on her face. “I’d talk to him about that but he’s not much for listening to me about these kinda things,” she mumbles as she and M’gann exchange a look of solidarity before they both roll their eyes, laughing quietly to themselves. 

Shaking her head, M’gann takes a longer sip of her drink. “They're all the same, no matter what the species.”

Kara nods sagely. Her brain is going back and forth between the pros and cons to working at the bar. But at the end of the day, it's a job. A job when described, sounds completely normal and that's what Kara needs. Something completely normal. “You know what, why not? I’ll take it. When do you want me to start?”

“Come over tomorrow morning and we can teach you how to make human drinks and maybe even some dishes too.”

“Uhh—you should know though that I am a terrible cook,” she warns with a sheepish smile. 

“We can work on that,” M’gann chuckles. 

“And I’ll very likely eat a lot of the food.”

She gets a smirk in response as M’gann gestures pointedly at the small stack of plates in front of her. “We’re very well-equipped to handle the vastness of alien appetites.” 

“Then I guess I'm gonna have to start calling you ‘boss’, boss.”

\---

She’s barely made a few steps outside the bar when she bumps into none other than Varia and she mumbles off an apology. 

Kara would have happily walked away without incident. If only she didn't hear a very faint scoffing sound, faint enough that she shouldn't be able to hear it but she does. Whatever pleasant buzz she had going is completely gone now and so she turns. She can't take this anymore. She doesn't need to be liked but she sure would like to be treated kindly, at least. She’s not done a thing to Varia to deserve otherwise. Varia is making her way back to the bar and so her back is to her but it doesn't stop Kara from calling out. “Okay look, why are you so mean to me?”

The answering scoff is louder this time and Varia barely glances back at her, shaking her head. “I don't care enough about you to be anything to you.” 

“Well, you're certainly not being friendly. In fact, you're being kind of a jerk. A meanie jerk.”

Varia laughs, the kind of laughter that makes Kara feel entirely too small, the kind of laugh that reminds her of former bullies in high school, of Snapper when she first started working under him. “You're fucking kidding me—a meanie jerk? Really? Mon-El is obviously not with you for your potty mouth.”

She bristles at that. It isn't difficult to miss the jealousy that drips in Varia’s tone and Kara wonders abruptly if she was one of the women that Mon-El was with before they got together. Kara takes a proper look at Varia this time and she thinks that yeah, she’s really pretty so it is totally possible Mon-El was with her at one time. She can't help but be irritated by this though because really, getting pissy with her over a man? “I don't see how my relationship with Mon-El is any of your business.”

This time Varia does turn and she stomps closer towards Kara until there are only a few inches that separate them. “Maybe not but it is _ definitely _ my business when humans like you start invading the only space that's really safe for beings like us and treating it as if it's your own personal playground.” 

“Wait—what are you—what are you talking abo—?” 

“You come in here all the time with that cop and that girlfriend of hers, who sure had no fucking problem pointing her gun at Brian when she first came here.” 

It's the first that she’s heard of what Alex did but Kara also isn't surprised by Alex’s default reaction at going on the defensive when met with an uncertain element. Sometimes she catches Alex’s hand twitching for her sidearm, as if it can offer her some comfort to know that it's there. “That's just—Alex—she’s my sister. She’s not—she doesn't hate aliens.”Kara laughs at this which only seems to stoke Varia's ire further.

“I’ll believe that when I don't feel like she’s trying to figure out what she can do to arrest me every time that she looks at me.”

“Alex doesn't hate aliens,” she insists and before she can stop to think about it, Kara blurts our, “_I’m _ an alien.” The immediate shock on Varia’s face reflects how she feels when she realizes that this is the first time she's actually said that out loud and she laughs loudly, laughing that same awkward laugh of hers, trying to mask the mild panic attack that's starting to make her heart race just a little faster. “So you see, there's no way that Alex can hate aliens because I—I am one.” Words are coming out but her voice doesn't sound like her own and Kara knows that she just needs to leave before she makes it worse for herself. “I'm gonna—I’m gonna go home now.”

She hears Varia calling out to her to stop and to wait but Kara speeds away, rounding the corner before taking off in flight, not even taking the time to change into her suit. 

\---

It takes Kara far longer than it should to actually get back home. 

Her heart is finally back to its normal steady rhythm by the time she steps foot into her apartment. She walks in with a tired slump to her shoulders, scolding herself for the way she left things with Varia. But she can't go back now. The bar is definitely closed now and Kara is wrestling with the embarrassment threatening to take over her until she realizes that her apartment is empty and her knees nearly buckle in relief. 

She finds a note on her kitchen counter, written in Mon-El’s sloppy handwriting that tells her that he had gone to hang out with Winn for the rest of the night and that he’ll most likely sleep over. When she checks her phone for the first time since she left the apartment fire earlier, she finds a message from Lena that she replies to as soon as she’s done reading it, not even thinking whether Lena’s still awake or not. 

No texts from Alex. 

Is it bad that she feels a little relieved by that? Probably, but Kara can't muster up the energy to think about that just yet. Instead, she thinks of Varia once again. 

Logically, she knows that nothing bad would actually come of Varia knowing that she’s an alien but Kara just can't believe how dumb and reckless she was to say it out loud to a perfect stranger, let alone saying it in a place where anybody else could hear her. Might as well have yelled that she’s Supergirl at that point really. 

During the flight home and after giving it a lot of thought, she understands too why Varia would assume that she was human. After all, the group she spends all her time with at the bar, are all human apart from Mon-El and J’onn. And after fourteen years spent being told to hide, trained to pretend to be human and conditioned to death to feel nothing but fear about being found out, shouldn't it then be seen as a good thing to know that she can actually pass as human? 

Maybe it should but there's a feeling in the pit of her stomach telling her that it doesn't feel good at all. Not in the slightest bit. Despite how it happened, she feels better about coming out to Varia. It seems a similar feeling to the time she saved that plane, a complete body and soul relief that she was able to be who she truly wants to be. Kara can't help but think though, that coming out as Supergirl only resulted in her having to hide even more of herself, just so nobody suspected that she and Supergirl are one and the same. 

Kara groans at the whirling thoughts in her head. She doesn't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Does she have something even more to worry about now? What does she do now? Normally she would just call Alex and ask for her advice. Maybe if things were actually fine between them then she’d feel absolutely no hesitation about it but they are not fine and she feels a lot of hesitation. 

She just doesn't want to deal with any of this right now. 

So what she does instead is blank her mind as she goes through the motions of getting ready to sleep. Kara relies completely on muscle memory to hang up her suit, to put on her sleep clothes, to brush her teeth and wash her face. She even sets the timer for her coffee machine. 

Kara needn't worry about having trouble sleeping because as soon as she's settled under her blanket, exhaustion hits and sleep instantly takes over.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Twitter @amaltheazwrites


End file.
